Written by an Australian Dentist....and too good to delete....
To Kill an American
You probably missed this in the rush of news, but there was actually a report that someone in Pakistan had published in a newspaper, an offer of a reward to anyone who killed an American, any American.
So an Australian dentist wrote an editorial t he following day to let everyone know what an American is . So they would know when they found one. (Good one, mate!!!!)
"An American is English, or French, or Italian, Irish, German, Spanish, Polish, Russian or Greek. An American may also be Canadian, Mexican, African, Indian, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, Australian, Iranian, Asian, or Arab, or Pakistani or Afghan.
An American may also be a Comanch e, Choctaw, Cherokee, Osage, Blackfoot, Navaho, Apache, Seminole or one of the many other tribes known as native Americans.
An American is Christian, or he could be Jewish, or Buddhist, or Muslim. In fact, there are more Muslims in America than in Afghanistan The only difference is that in America they are free to worship as each of them chooses.< BR>
An American is also free to believe in no religion. For that he will answer only to God, not to the government, or to armed thugs claiming to speak for the government and for God.
An American lives in the most prosperous land in the history of the world.
The root of that prosperity can be found in the Declaration of Independence , which recognizes the God given right of each person to the pursuit of happiness.
An American is generous. Americans have helped out just about every other nation in the world in their time of need, never asking a thing in return
When Afghanistan was over-run by the Soviet army 20 years ago, Americans came with arms and supplies to enable the people to win back their country!
As of the morning of September 11, Americans had given more than any other nation to the poor in Afghanistan. Americans welcome the best of everything...the best products, the best books, the best music, the best food, the best services. But they also welcome the least.
The national symbol of America , The Statue of Liberty , welcomes your tired and your poor, the wretched refuse of your teeming shores, the homeless, tempest tossed. These in fact are the people who built America .
Some of them were working in the Twin Towers the morning of September 11, 2001 earning a better life for their families. It's been told that the World Trade Center victims were from at least 30 different countries, cultures, and first languages, including those that aided and abetted the terrorists.
So you can try to kill an American if you must. Hitler did. So did General Tojo, and Stalin, and
Mao Tse-Tung, and other blood-thirsty tyrants in the world. But, in doing so you would just be killing yourself. Because Americans are not a particular people from a particular place. They are the embodiment of the human spirit of freedom. Everyone who holds to that spirit, everywhere, is an American.
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
Monday, November 5, 2007
George Carlin's Views on Aging
George Carlin's Views on Aging
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
'How old are you?' 'I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
'How old are you?' 'I'm gonna be 16!' You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
'How old are you?' 'I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
'How old are you?' 'I'm gonna be 16!' You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!
"Jesus is watching you."
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables; and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, Clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot."Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed . "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"
"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, Clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot."Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed . "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"
"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
WHAT TEACHERS MAKE wow!
WHAT TEACHERS MAKE wow!
The dinner guests were sitting around the table discussing life.
One man, a CEO, decided to explain the problem with education. He argued, "What's a kid going to learn from someone who decided his best option in life was to become a teacher?"
He reminded the other dinner guests what they say about teachers: "Those who can, do.. Those who can't, teach."
To stress his point he said to another guest; "You're a teacher, Bonnie. Be honest. What do you make?"
Bonnie, who had a reputation for honesty and frankness replied, "You want to know what I make? (She paused for a second, then began...)
"Well, I make kids work harder than they ever thought they could.
I make a C+ feel like the Congressional Medal of Honor winner.
I make kids sit through 40 minutes of class time when their parents can't make them sit for 5 without an I Pod, Game Cube or movie rental.
You want to know what I make?" (She paused again and looked at each and every person at the table.)
I make kids wonder.
I make them question.
I make them apologize and mean it.
I make them have respect and take responsibility for their actions.
I teach them to write and then I make them write. Keyboarding isn't everything.
I make them read, read, read.
I make them show all their work in math. They use their God given brain, not the man-made calculator.
I make my students from other countries learn everything they need to know about English while preserving their unique cultural identity.
I make my classroom a place where all my students feel safe.
I make my students stand, placing their hand over their heart to say the Pledge of Allegiance to the Flag, One Nation Under God, because we live in the United States of America.
Finally, I make them understand that if they use the gifts they were given, work hard, and follow their hearts, they can succeed in life."
(Bonnie paused one last time and then continued.)
"Then, when people try to judge me by what I make, with me knowing money isn't everything, I can hold my head up high and pay no attention because they are ignorant.... You want to know what I make?
I MAKE A DIFFERENCE. What do you make Mr. CEO?"
His jaw dropped, he went silent.
The dinner guests were sitting around the table discussing life.
One man, a CEO, decided to explain the problem with education. He argued, "What's a kid going to learn from someone who decided his best option in life was to become a teacher?"
He reminded the other dinner guests what they say about teachers: "Those who can, do.. Those who can't, teach."
To stress his point he said to another guest; "You're a teacher, Bonnie. Be honest. What do you make?"
Bonnie, who had a reputation for honesty and frankness replied, "You want to know what I make? (She paused for a second, then began...)
"Well, I make kids work harder than they ever thought they could.
I make a C+ feel like the Congressional Medal of Honor winner.
I make kids sit through 40 minutes of class time when their parents can't make them sit for 5 without an I Pod, Game Cube or movie rental.
You want to know what I make?" (She paused again and looked at each and every person at the table.)
I make kids wonder.
I make them question.
I make them apologize and mean it.
I make them have respect and take responsibility for their actions.
I teach them to write and then I make them write. Keyboarding isn't everything.
I make them read, read, read.
I make them show all their work in math. They use their God given brain, not the man-made calculator.
I make my students from other countries learn everything they need to know about English while preserving their unique cultural identity.
I make my classroom a place where all my students feel safe.
I make my students stand, placing their hand over their heart to say the Pledge of Allegiance to the Flag, One Nation Under God, because we live in the United States of America.
Finally, I make them understand that if they use the gifts they were given, work hard, and follow their hearts, they can succeed in life."
(Bonnie paused one last time and then continued.)
"Then, when people try to judge me by what I make, with me knowing money isn't everything, I can hold my head up high and pay no attention because they are ignorant.... You want to know what I make?
I MAKE A DIFFERENCE. What do you make Mr. CEO?"
His jaw dropped, he went silent.
Saturday, October 6, 2007
The Female Genie
While trying to escape through Pakistan , Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on the sand & picked it up.
Suddenly, a female Genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said,"Master, may I grant you one wish?"
Osama responded, "You ignorant, unworthy Daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything."
The shocked Genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."
Osama thought a moment, then said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you."
The annoyed Genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.
The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton at his side.
His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.
God is Good
Suddenly, a female Genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said,"Master, may I grant you one wish?"
Osama responded, "You ignorant, unworthy Daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything."
The shocked Genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."
Osama thought a moment, then said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you."
The annoyed Genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.
The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton at his side.
His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.
God is Good
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
What My Mother Taught Me
What My Mother Taught Me
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE
A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT .
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand .."
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!
Saturday, September 22, 2007
Rocky Mountain High
(Not humor, but interesting. RL)
He was born in the summer of his 27th year
Comin' home to a place he'd never been before
He left yesterday behind him, you might say he was born again
You might say he found a key for every door
When he first came to the mountains his life was far away
On the road and hangin' by a song
But the string's already broken and he doesn't really care
It keeps changin' fast and it don't last for long
But the Colorado rocky mountain high
I've seen it rainin' fire in the sky
The shadow from the starlight is softer than a lullabye
Rocky mountain high
He climbed cathedral mountains, he saw silver clouds below
He saw everything as far as you can see
And they say that he got crazy once and he tried to touch the sun
And he lost a friend but kept his memory
Now he walks in quiet solitude the forest and the streams
Seeking grace in every step he takes
His sight has turned inside himself to try and understand
The serenity of a clear blue mountain lake
And the Colorado rocky mountain high
I've seen it rainin' fire in the sky
You can talk to God and listen to the casual reply
Rocky mountain high
Now his life is full of wonder but his heart still knows some fear
Of a simple thing he cannot comprehend
Why they try to tear the mountains down to bring in a couple more
More people, more scars upon the land
And the Colorado rocky mountain high
I've seen it rainin' fire in the sky
I know he'd be a poorer man if he never saw an eagle fly
Rocky mountain high
It's Colorado rocky mountain high
I've seen it rainin' fire in the sky
Friends around the campfire and everybody's high
Rocky mountain high
John Denver
Words by John Denver; Music by John Denver and Mike Taylor
He was born in the summer of his 27th year
Comin' home to a place he'd never been before
He left yesterday behind him, you might say he was born again
You might say he found a key for every door
When he first came to the mountains his life was far away
On the road and hangin' by a song
But the string's already broken and he doesn't really care
It keeps changin' fast and it don't last for long
But the Colorado rocky mountain high
I've seen it rainin' fire in the sky
The shadow from the starlight is softer than a lullabye
Rocky mountain high
He climbed cathedral mountains, he saw silver clouds below
He saw everything as far as you can see
And they say that he got crazy once and he tried to touch the sun
And he lost a friend but kept his memory
Now he walks in quiet solitude the forest and the streams
Seeking grace in every step he takes
His sight has turned inside himself to try and understand
The serenity of a clear blue mountain lake
And the Colorado rocky mountain high
I've seen it rainin' fire in the sky
You can talk to God and listen to the casual reply
Rocky mountain high
Now his life is full of wonder but his heart still knows some fear
Of a simple thing he cannot comprehend
Why they try to tear the mountains down to bring in a couple more
More people, more scars upon the land
And the Colorado rocky mountain high
I've seen it rainin' fire in the sky
I know he'd be a poorer man if he never saw an eagle fly
Rocky mountain high
It's Colorado rocky mountain high
I've seen it rainin' fire in the sky
Friends around the campfire and everybody's high
Rocky mountain high
John Denver
Words by John Denver; Music by John Denver and Mike Taylor
Friday, September 21, 2007
Murphy's Lesser Known Laws
Murphy's Lesser Known Laws
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
3. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
4. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who live by the gun.
5. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
6. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
7. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time.... on a hill....on a curve...in the fog.
8. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
9. The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in the boat and drink your beer.
11. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
12. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
13. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
14. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
3. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
4. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who live by the gun.
5. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
6. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
7. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time.... on a hill....on a curve...in the fog.
8. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
9. The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in the boat and drink your beer.
11. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
12. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
13. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
14. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Maintenance complaints
Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.
After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last..................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last..................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
3 politicians go into a restaurant
A Republican in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?"
The waitress nodded "yes," so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.
The next patron to come in was a Libertarian with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?"
The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."
The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches. He went over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there, honey! How's about gettin' me a cold glass of Miller Light!" He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?"
The waitress once more nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold glass of beer. "On my bill," he said. As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.
Jesus also passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.
Then Jesus walked towards the Democrat. The Democrat jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me. I'm collecting disability!!"
The waitress nodded "yes," so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.
The next patron to come in was a Libertarian with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?"
The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."
The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches. He went over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there, honey! How's about gettin' me a cold glass of Miller Light!" He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?"
The waitress once more nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold glass of beer. "On my bill," he said. As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.
Jesus also passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.
Then Jesus walked towards the Democrat. The Democrat jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me. I'm collecting disability!!"
My Schnauzer
My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the
veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He
cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. Then the vet proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store to get some Nair Hair Remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
The lady goes to the drug store and gets the stuff. At the register the
druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, wear blouses that don't bind you under the arms.The lady says, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The druggist says, "Well if you're using it on your legs, wear slacks with loose fitting legs.The lady says, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know,
I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The druggist says, "Stay off your bicycle for a week ."
veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He
cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. Then the vet proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store to get some Nair Hair Remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
The lady goes to the drug store and gets the stuff. At the register the
druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, wear blouses that don't bind you under the arms.The lady says, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The druggist says, "Well if you're using it on your legs, wear slacks with loose fitting legs.The lady says, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know,
I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The druggist says, "Stay off your bicycle for a week ."
Mowing and Beer
Mowing and Beer
On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking a beer and
watching my wife mow the lawn.
The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged at this scene that she came over
and shouted at me, "You should be hung!"
I took a long cool drink from my can beer, licked the cold foam from my lips,
looked over the tops of my sunglasses into my nosey neighbor's eyes and calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts
the grass."
On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking a beer and
watching my wife mow the lawn.
The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged at this scene that she came over
and shouted at me, "You should be hung!"
I took a long cool drink from my can beer, licked the cold foam from my lips,
looked over the tops of my sunglasses into my nosey neighbor's eyes and calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts
the grass."
9 words women use
9 words women use
1.) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5.) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal
statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6.) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint.
Just say you're welcome.
8.) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying I know you're going to do it your way, anyway!
9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement,meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times,but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?"
For the woman's response refer to #3.
1.) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5.) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal
statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6.) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint.
Just say you're welcome.
8.) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying I know you're going to do it your way, anyway!
9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement,meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times,but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?"
For the woman's response refer to #3.
Little Johnny Fascinate
LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN.......
The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and
we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
"fascinate, not fascinating".
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was
"fascinated."The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you
to use the word "fascinate."
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been
burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate",
so she called on him
Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are
so big she can only fasten eight."
The teacher sat down and cried
The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and
we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
"fascinate, not fascinating".
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was
"fascinated."The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you
to use the word "fascinate."
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been
burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate",
so she called on him
Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are
so big she can only fasten eight."
The teacher sat down and cried
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Golfing with the wife
Golfing with the wife
A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises,
two black eyes, and a five-iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"
"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when, at a
difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.
We went to look for them and while I was looking around, I noticed
one of the cows had something white in its rear end."
I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf
ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the
cow's butt."
"Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my w ife, "Hey, this
looks like yours!"
I don't remember much after that...
A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises,
two black eyes, and a five-iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"
"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when, at a
difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.
We went to look for them and while I was looking around, I noticed
one of the cows had something white in its rear end."
I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf
ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the
cow's butt."
"Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my w ife, "Hey, this
looks like yours!"
I don't remember much after that...
The "Dr. Phil Test"
The "Dr. Phil Test"
Dr. Phil's Test(Dr. Phil scored 55 and Oprah scored a 38)
Some folks pay a lot of money to find this stuff out.
Read on, this is very interesting! Don't be overly sensitive!
The following is pretty accurate and it only takes about 2 minutes.
Answers are for who you are now...... Not who you were in the past.
1. When do you feel at your best?
A) in the morning B) during the afternoon and early evening c) late at night.
2. You usually walk.....A) fairly fast, with long steps B) fairly fast, with little steps c) less fast head up, looking the world in the face d)less fast, head down e)very slowly
3. When talking to people, you... A) stand with your arms folded B) have your hands clasped c) have one or both your hands on your hips or in pockets d) touch or push the person to whom you are talking e) play with your ear, touch your chin or smooth your hair.
4. When relaxing, you sit with...
A) your knees bent with your legs neatly side by side B) your legs crossed c) your legs stretched out or straight d) one leg curled under you.
5. When something really amuses you, You react with...
A) a big appreciated laugh B) a laugh, but not a loud one c) a quiet chuckle d) a sheepish smile.
6. When you go to a party or social gathering, you...
A) make a loud entrance so everyone notices you
B) make a quiet entrance, looking around for someone you know
C) make the quietest entrance, trying to stay unnoticed.
7. When you're working or concentrating very hard, and you're interrupted, you...
A) welcome the break B) feel extremely irritated c) vary between these two extremes.
8. Which of the following colors do you like most? A) Red or orange B) black c) yellow or light blue d) green e) dark blue or purple f) white G) brown or gray.
9. When you are in bed at night, in those last few moments before going to sleep, you lie...
A) stretched out on your back
B) stretched out face down on your stomach
C) on your side, slightly curled
D) with your head on one arm
E) with your head under the covers.
10. You often dream that you are...
A) falling B) fighting or struggling c) searching for something or somebody d) flying or floating e) you usually have dreamless sleep f) your dreams are always pleasant.
POINTS:
1. (a) 2 (B) 4(c) 6
2. (a) 2 (B) 4 (c) 7 (d) 2 (e) 1
3. (a) 4 (B) 2 (c) 5 (d) 7 (e) 6
4. (a) 4 (B) 6 (c) 2 (d) 1
5. (a) 6 (B) 4 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 2
6. (a) 6 (B) 4 (c) 2
7. (a) 6 (B) 2 (c) 4
8. (a) 6 (B) 7 (c) 5 (d)4 (e) 3 (f) 2 (G) 11
9. (a) 7 (B) 6 (c) 4(d) 2 (e) 1
10. (a) 4 (B) 2(c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 6 (f) 1.
Now add up the total number of points.
OVER 60 POINTS
Others see you as someone they should "handle with care." You're seen as vain, self-centered and one who is extremely domineering. Others may admire you, wishing they could be more like you, but don't always trust you, hesitating to become too deeply involved with you.
51 TO 60 POINTS
Others see you as an exciting, highly volatile, rather impulsive personality; a natural leader, one who's quick to make decisions, though not always the right ones. They see you as bold and adventuresome, someone who will try anything once; someone who takes chances and enjoys an adventure. They enjoy being in your company because of the excitement you radiate.
41 TO 50 POINTS
Others see you as fresh, lively, charming, amusing, practical and always interesting; someone who's constantly in the center of attention, but sufficiently well-balanced not to let it go to their head. They also see you as kind, considerate, and understanding; someone who'll always cheer them up and help them out.
31 TO 40 POINTS
Others see you as sensible, cautious, careful and practical. They see you as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest. Not a person who makes friends too quickly or easily, but someone who's extremely loyal to friends you do make and who expect the same loyalty in return. Those who really get to know you realize it takes a lot to shake your trust in your friends, but equally that it takes you a long time to get over it if that trust is ever broken.
21 TO 30 POINTS
Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy. They see you as very cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder. It would really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the spur of themoment, expecting you to examine everything carefully from every angle and then usually decide against it. They think this reaction is caused partly by your careful nature.
UNDER 21 POINTS
People think you are shy, nervous, and indecisive, someone who needs lookingafter, who always wants someone else to make the decisions and who doesn't want to get involved with anyone or anything! They see you as a worrier who always sees problems that don't exist. Some people think you're boring. Only those who know you well know that you aren't.
Dr. Phil's Test(Dr. Phil scored 55 and Oprah scored a 38)
Some folks pay a lot of money to find this stuff out.
Read on, this is very interesting! Don't be overly sensitive!
The following is pretty accurate and it only takes about 2 minutes.
Answers are for who you are now...... Not who you were in the past.
1. When do you feel at your best?
A) in the morning B) during the afternoon and early evening c) late at night.
2. You usually walk.....A) fairly fast, with long steps B) fairly fast, with little steps c) less fast head up, looking the world in the face d)less fast, head down e)very slowly
3. When talking to people, you... A) stand with your arms folded B) have your hands clasped c) have one or both your hands on your hips or in pockets d) touch or push the person to whom you are talking e) play with your ear, touch your chin or smooth your hair.
4. When relaxing, you sit with...
A) your knees bent with your legs neatly side by side B) your legs crossed c) your legs stretched out or straight d) one leg curled under you.
5. When something really amuses you, You react with...
A) a big appreciated laugh B) a laugh, but not a loud one c) a quiet chuckle d) a sheepish smile.
6. When you go to a party or social gathering, you...
A) make a loud entrance so everyone notices you
B) make a quiet entrance, looking around for someone you know
C) make the quietest entrance, trying to stay unnoticed.
7. When you're working or concentrating very hard, and you're interrupted, you...
A) welcome the break B) feel extremely irritated c) vary between these two extremes.
8. Which of the following colors do you like most? A) Red or orange B) black c) yellow or light blue d) green e) dark blue or purple f) white G) brown or gray.
9. When you are in bed at night, in those last few moments before going to sleep, you lie...
A) stretched out on your back
B) stretched out face down on your stomach
C) on your side, slightly curled
D) with your head on one arm
E) with your head under the covers.
10. You often dream that you are...
A) falling B) fighting or struggling c) searching for something or somebody d) flying or floating e) you usually have dreamless sleep f) your dreams are always pleasant.
POINTS:
1. (a) 2 (B) 4(c) 6
2. (a) 2 (B) 4 (c) 7 (d) 2 (e) 1
3. (a) 4 (B) 2 (c) 5 (d) 7 (e) 6
4. (a) 4 (B) 6 (c) 2 (d) 1
5. (a) 6 (B) 4 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 2
6. (a) 6 (B) 4 (c) 2
7. (a) 6 (B) 2 (c) 4
8. (a) 6 (B) 7 (c) 5 (d)4 (e) 3 (f) 2 (G) 11
9. (a) 7 (B) 6 (c) 4(d) 2 (e) 1
10. (a) 4 (B) 2(c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 6 (f) 1.
Now add up the total number of points.
OVER 60 POINTS
Others see you as someone they should "handle with care." You're seen as vain, self-centered and one who is extremely domineering. Others may admire you, wishing they could be more like you, but don't always trust you, hesitating to become too deeply involved with you.
51 TO 60 POINTS
Others see you as an exciting, highly volatile, rather impulsive personality; a natural leader, one who's quick to make decisions, though not always the right ones. They see you as bold and adventuresome, someone who will try anything once; someone who takes chances and enjoys an adventure. They enjoy being in your company because of the excitement you radiate.
41 TO 50 POINTS
Others see you as fresh, lively, charming, amusing, practical and always interesting; someone who's constantly in the center of attention, but sufficiently well-balanced not to let it go to their head. They also see you as kind, considerate, and understanding; someone who'll always cheer them up and help them out.
31 TO 40 POINTS
Others see you as sensible, cautious, careful and practical. They see you as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest. Not a person who makes friends too quickly or easily, but someone who's extremely loyal to friends you do make and who expect the same loyalty in return. Those who really get to know you realize it takes a lot to shake your trust in your friends, but equally that it takes you a long time to get over it if that trust is ever broken.
21 TO 30 POINTS
Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy. They see you as very cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder. It would really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the spur of themoment, expecting you to examine everything carefully from every angle and then usually decide against it. They think this reaction is caused partly by your careful nature.
UNDER 21 POINTS
People think you are shy, nervous, and indecisive, someone who needs lookingafter, who always wants someone else to make the decisions and who doesn't want to get involved with anyone or anything! They see you as a worrier who always sees problems that don't exist. Some people think you're boring. Only those who know you well know that you aren't.
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